Tips for Practicing Self Kindness

Most people are a lot harder on themselves than they realize. You miss a deadline, and instead of just feeling annoyed, you start calling yourself names in your head, or you forget something small and suddenly feel like a failure, or maybe you look in the mirror and focus straight away on all the things you wish looked different. And after a while, this sort of thinking just becomes normal.

But the truth is, it's not really helping, and it's definitely not making you stronger or more productive or better at anything. It's just tiring and in the end, it's going to hurt you even more. And of course, being kinder to yourself isn't about pretending everything's great when it's not, or letting yourself off the hook for things that matter, but you do need to think about it more and try to be good to yourself. With that in mind, keep reading to find out more. 

Notice What You’re Saying To Yourself

You might not even realise how unkind your thoughts have become, and that's how automatic it gets if you're not really trying to be kind, and if you're always blaming yourself for mistakes and failures, you're probably not even seeing when you do something amazing, meaning you never get the positive thoughts and only the negative ones. 

So the first step is just to listen out for it and notice when you're being harsh, or when you're saying something to yourself that you wouldn't say to someone else. That's usually a good sign it needs to change, and once you know, you can do something about it. 

Try Changing The Tone 

You don't have to lie to yourself - if you were late, you were late, and if you forgot something, then yes, that happened. But instead of going straight to telling yourself you're an idiot for always messing up, the best thing to do is to try softening it a bit.

You could tell yourself it wasn't that big of a deal, or that you had a lot on your mind, and so on. It might sound strange at first, but it does make a difference, because you're still being honest, just not cruel.

Don’t Wait To Rest

There's this idea that you can only rest once you've done everything else - once your inbox is empty, the kitchen's spotless, and your list is all ticked off. But most of the time, that doesn't happen.

So instead of using rest as a reward, try treating it as something you actually need; you really don't have to justify it. You're allowed to sit down, and you're allowed to stop, and  you're one hundred percent allowed to enjoy your evening, even if the washing up is still waiting.

You Don't Have To Be Productive All The Time 

If you're the sort of person who always feels a bit behind, then even your time off might start to feel like another job - something you're supposed to be doing well. You'll try to relax, but also feel like you should be reading more, achieving more, learning something new.

But you don't have to fill every minute. Not everything has to lead somewhere, and it's okay to do something pointless just because you enjoy it. In fact, that's a great thing to do because it's relaxing, fun, and you won't be under any pressure - sounds great, doesn't it? 

Stop Comparing Yourself To Other People 

This is a tricky one, because it happens almost without thinking; you scroll through social media, or hear what someone else is doing, and suddenly you're feeling small. But the thing is, you're not seeing the full picture - you're seeing the best bits, the literal highlight reel, which is basically the carefully chosen parts. You don't see the behind-the-scenes stuff, which is going to include the doubts, the tired days, and the mess they cropped out. It's what you do, so why wouldn't they? 

So instead of comparing yourself to them, try comparing yourself to yourself. What's something that used to feel hard but doesn't now? What's something you've handled better this time around? That's what progress really looks like, and the more you can see it, the better you'll feel, and the more motivated you'll be to do more. 

Say No Sometimes 

This one's hard, especially if you're used to saying yes to everything, but saying no doesn't make you difficult, it just means you're paying attention to your limits. And of course, you can say no kindly and not upset anyone, and if it's what you need (or don't need), then you've got to put yourself first. 

What's really crucial here is that you don't owe anyone an explanation about why you're saying no - that's your business and no one else's. In other words, if you just don't fancy doing something, don't do it, and that's that. 

Ask For Help If You Need It 

It can be scary to ask for help, but sometimes it's vital, and it doesn't have to be a big conversation; you can start small with a message to a friend, or just saying out loud that things feel a bit off - hearing yourself say these things can sometimes be the catalyst to taking the next step and improving the situation. 

Sometimes, though, talking to someone who isn't in your day-to-day life can be helpful too, and that's where psychotherapy can really help massively because it's not just for crises, and lots of people try it just to understand themselves better, or to get a bit more space to think things through.

If you've been feeling stuck or low for a while, or if this kind of harsh inner voice has been around longer than you'd like to admit, it's okay to explore that option, and it's a good way to take yourself (and your self-care) a bit more seriously. 

Be Kind On The Boring Days Too

It's easy to be kind to yourself when you've achieved something or when you're feeling good, and that's not really the challenge. The real challenge is showing yourself kindness on the days when nothing special happens, when you're flat or tired or just drifting.

In the end, those are the days when it actually matters most, so try saying something nice to yourself even if the day's been a bit grey, and try to remind yourself that rest is productive too.