Guilty By Exercise: Why Can't Women Go For a Long Run?
As a woman, I have witnessed and lived with many gender inequalities during my lifetime. The one that has been pressing my conscious these days is exercise. It seems almost absurd when I type this, but seriously, it is Exercise!
I have competed in a number of triathlons and distance running events over the years. During this time, I have met and trained with many phenomenal women and have been part of some wonderful fitness communities. Most of the women, myself included, are average athletes, not looking for podium spots, but just enjoy physical fitness and training for different races. A common theme: "we love the camaraderie of training for the event" not the race!
We exercise because it is our own personal time to do something healthy that we love. A long run with friends is a "therapy session" or "happy hour". A 50 mile bike ride is our "½ day shopping spree" with the girls. It seems harmless, right? However, over the years, it appears to be an increasing theme that women are made to feel guilty about their beloved hobby by their husbands or significant others.
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I have heard so many stories about how women get in their training/exercise without disrupting their family life, but are still given a hard time. Recently, I was told of a Mom of 3 who is training for a Half Ironman event. She gets up at 4:00 am a few days a week, so she can get in a long run or ride before her husband and kids get up. She finishes by 6:30, gets her children to school , then works all day, comes home, cooks dinner, gets the kids off to bed, etc. The husbands's beef? Well, she is tired at night and goes to bed early... I don't get it, this lady is doing all she can to care for her family. She is managing to creatively carve out a slice of time for herself, but given grief about it. I think she deserves a gold medal, waking up at 4am is commitment! The Inequality: the husband is also training for a Half Ironman event and spends Saturday & Sunday mornings riding and running...Guilt-Free!!!
I have dozens of other stories similar to this one. Interestingly, it's not only the men giving women grief, but women are giving women grief! Yes, we ladies can be our own worst enemies. My example: a colleague telling me how selfish it is for women to train for Marathons and Ironman Events. "These women steal time from their families." However, a week later, I heard the same colleague giving every accolade she could think of to a man who had just finished his first marathon... "How do you do it? You're so busy, so committed, Bravo!!!" Wait, did he not steal time from his family doing all those long runs?
I write this post as I am perplexed, Why Can't Women Just Go For A Long Run? I would love to hear your thoughts on this...Have you or anyone you know experienced this?
I think you hit that nail on the head with this one Angela! It's a double standard I tell ya! They can do it and they are kings, we do it and we are taking away from our family....
I have to admit most of the time my husband is very supportive. We don't have small kids so it may be different if he had to take on that responsibility.
I also admit the one reason why I have not looked for a second marathon to do is not because I can't make time for marathon training but because it would affect my family too much.
One day I'll get over this and bite the bullet in the mean time, I'll work around everything else.
Tricia-Yes! I am glad to hear your husband is supportive :-)
hmm this is interesting! I don't really see this phenomenon at all in our moms running group of 700. We do share stories of fitting it all in and offer suggestions to each other but I am not seeing this negative connotation or push back.
I love that you have not seen this! I hear about it so much, that it is refreshing to know that others do not :-)
I think it can happen the other way too. My husband is training for an event right now getting up at 4am to train, and going to bed early some nights because of it. I'd by lying if I didn't admit that there's times I've been a little selfishly frustrated - because I stay home with my son during the day and work for a few hours at night, the 9-10pm time is really the only time we get together. That said, I'd never try to persuade him to stop training. Just saying I can understand both sides of it though! :)
Oh yes, I do agree that it can go both ways!
There is so much inequality when it comes to men, women, and childcare. Not quite the same situation, but I'm on my OB rotation right now and I'm often reminded of how little the father has to do to be praised about being attentive/a good father (e.g. just showing up to the appointment with the mother). It's sad that it's still like this, and I really wish that it'd change!
Yes, it is always interesting to sit back and observe this...
If her husband "doesn't get it" then I personally don't think they're a good match
Yes, a lot of women experience this...
Working out is me time, and I go on for as long as I want. AS LONG AS I WANT. My fiance knows this and he knows I will NEVER stop. I am a robot when it comes to working out. I have been programed and it will never be de-programed. I told him I will not work out the morning after our wedding night, but he is convinced I am still going to get up and go work out. HAHAHAHA! I think I need to not - but who knows what might happen!
That's great Gigi!! Haha, will have to see what happens the morning after your wedding ;-)
Yup this is a touchy subject and I'm super happy that you brought it up. In my family Ironman training works for us. I'm the only one that trains my husband is my cheer squad. But I get asked every week how we make it work. Every week. Like you I know many women who stop training because they feel guilty. It's a little crazy. I'm fascinated to see what others say about this.
Amy-I hear you! I got asked a lot when I was IM training as well. I am so glad you have a very supportive family.
I haven't really experienced this in or out of my home. My husband just knows that I'm going to do whatever it takes to get my training runs in. If that means being away from the house when the kids are up and active, then so be it. I am a much better person/wife/mother when I set time aside for me. We juggle it...we juggle his need for time away for whatever reason, too. We all have our thing. I often wonder about other women passing judgement in this situation: Perhaps they're just trying to make themselves feel better because they AREN'T taking time/finding time for themselves and their health?! I dunno. Hard to say.
That's great Tara! Yes, I'm not sure either about the passing judgement. It's been interesting to read responses to this post here & on FB.
Angela! I love this post so much. When we take care of ourselves we also take care of our family. It's important to be healthy as a parent. I'm glad I have a husband that is supportive.
Thank you Ilka! Yes, we need to take time for ourselves to stay healthy mentally & physically!!
Love this article....I know in my life it doesn't happen I have a very supportive husband who pushes me more then I do myself to get up and go for a run. We alternate workout times and watching our kids. But I have had mom's ask me how I do it...u just have to have good time management and make time for yourself...even a hr a day helps...I tell them to put themselves first for once
Thanks Jessie!
Interesting article! Personally, my husband is super supportive. We started doing triathlons together and did our first Ironman last year. I beat him by 20 minutes and often people will try and poke fun at him for it. He is so sweet, he gets frustrated by this because he can't understand why people would think this bothers him. He is proud of me for beating him! He recently bought me a bike computer even after I told him I didn't want one because he is convinced I'm an awesome cyclist and wants to "show me off" on strava. I recently joined the "women for tri" facebook group and am honestly a bit appalled (although not surprised - I'm a feminist who has taken many wo-stud classes at uni) by how many posts I'm seeing about negative and non-supportive partners. I only ever feel guilty when I leave my nursing homework to go exercise!
Laura-That's Great!! I love hearing happy stories like this one :-) Good Luck with Nursing School...I am an RN, and remember how tough school could be!!
A great post and this doesn't only apply to taking time out for training. There still seems a perception from many, both men and women, that any time women take time for themselves, somehow they're being selfish. Interesting! Thankfully in my running club, there are lots of couple runners, or where only one person is the runner, there's support all round from partners/children/friends.
Thank you Sophie! It's great to hear that you are in a supportive running community.
You have captured my life in your article! Society has double standards and most men are so obsessed with themselves that their partners' abilities and talents are unimportant.
It can definitely be a double standard and can e very frustrating for some women.
I have never heard any of my female runner friends that this is an issue. I know many women who run marathons without getting grief about it.
This is great, thanks for sharing your feelings about running. Can we all just be happy for others and their hobby's!
Boo on your colleague for that! We should encourage each other!!
I agree it's not fair, we shouldn't be talked about or resented for wanting to do better for ourselves and our families. When we're happy and healthy they're happy and healthy.
I've had people hate on me for my health choices, mocking me for what I do to be healthy. UGH!
xo
Wow I had no clue this went on. I'm not a runner nor do i know any so this is interesting to hear and sad. Why can't we all be happy for one another.
This blog post hit home. I'm a mommy runner and its amazing how many time so feel guilty when I go for a run or to the gym, I feel like it takes away from my kids but we need me time, time to be healthy. Loved reading this and not feeling alone.
This one is something that I can relate to. If only the men would do their fair share of chores, but no, they would rather complain and let the women do all the work and we end up paying for it even more. It makes no sense at all, but it continues to happen!
I really loved this read and I can absolutely relate. My guilt of not wanting to be a bad mom definitely holds me back from enjoying a long run.
Love this. I used to run a lot but people would sometimes make comments, especially after i had kids. I am a stay at home mom so when I'd go for my runs it would be when my husband was home, and it was my sort of "break" and now I just don't really do it anymore, the guilt was real.
My long runs are my therapy sessions for sure. I get out there with other moms and talk about everything. I got potty training tips of my long run for marathon training!
This is an interesting read. Yes, even fellow women are discouraging others.
It's all crazy! When will women stop criticizing each other and start supporting each other? I can barely find time to take a shower so if someone knows how to get their workout in I want you to teach me!
I agree with you that we women can sometimes be our own worst enemies. It's so important that we begin to be more supportive of one another.
I like it's important that women find the time to do something they love! And if that is exercising, then I think they should be able to do that with ease.
So true! We are our own worst critics, we really need to be supporting other women instead of judging and also being so hard on ourselves!
Ahhhh we do tend to be our very worst enemies at times!!! We really should be able to do the things we love without the guilt!
My husband gets cranky that my running schedule affects his sleep schedule. I get cranky that his coaching schedule affects my evenings and weekends. These two irritations have always been true. And yet...he supports my running and I support his coaching.
Being annoyed at how something inconveniences you and being appreciative of the benefits it brings the person you love are not mutually exclusive. We both make efforts to make things less annoying for the other, but we both recognize there are only so many hours in a day and denying someone their outlet is no good. This isn't to say there were never bad moments, but we talked them through.